Needing Him Page 5

  I slid under the sheets and faced him. He stayed on top and I was grateful. I didn’t want him to think anything would be happening between us. To some it might have seemed odd to lay in bed with him, but we had done it on and off since we’d met each other. Many a night was spent talking until the early morning hours. Neither of our parents cared. They knew there was nothing between us. Shit, if there was it would have been very easy to hide.

  My pillow was soft and formed to my head as I laid down. One arm was underneath the pillow and the other laid loose in front of me. Kai mimicked my position and his mouth lifted in a smile.

  He was the first to speak. “I’m going to miss you. Being with you again is like old times. We always had fun together.”

  “Yeah, I miss you when you’re not around.”

  He reached over and took my hand in his, rubbing his thumb over the back, and his smile fell slightly. “Kasi, I meant what I said. I love you.” I was going to stop him, but thought maybe we needed to get it all out in the open. He looked down at our hands and let out a long sigh. “I’ve loved you for so long. I’ve tried to date, but no one measures up. I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you sooner. I didn’t have the courage to, but being here with you again, I knew I had to confess.” His eyes met mine again. “I would treat you like a queen.”

  I reached out and brushed my thumb along his cheekbone, feeling the slight stubble that had grown since the morning. He placed his hand over mine and closed his eyes. “Kai, you are one of my best friends and we’ve been through a lot together. I love you, but not in the same way you love me. I’m sorry. I never want to hurt you, but I need to be honest. You mean so much to me and the fact that you and Lee were here this week, I...” and the tears were back. “I don’t know what I would have done without you two.”

  “I feel like it’s partly my fault that he left you. If we weren’t here you would still be happy.”

  “No, you don’t know that. Maybe he was looking for a reason to break up with me since the call from Erin. I mean, how the fuck do you explain him flying to California after leaving me? He was seen with that bitch, knowing what she was doing to me. He’s probably out there fucking her right now.”

  “I by no means want to push you toward him, but you don’t know what his reasoning is for being with her. It could all be very innocent.”

  “Yeah, sure.” I highly doubted that Radek was paying Erin a cordial visit to discuss the weather or going to dinner to enjoy a fine wine. No way. She might be the world’s biggest bitch, but she is drop dead gorgeous.

  He spoke again, pulling me from my angry thoughts. “I want you to know that if you ever want more than friendship with me, I’ll be here. Oh and the occasional fuck isn’t off the table either,” he said with a wink.

  Laughing, I took my hand from his and pushed at his shoulder. He reached around my back, pulling me into him. His forehead touched mine and his familiar scent drifted toward me. Our bodies were close. He shifted, bringing his flush against mine. Only the sheet was separating us. I could feel how hard he was against my body.

  “Kai,” I whispered a second before his lips gently brushed over mine. I didn’t pull back even though I knew I should have. His lips pressed down a little more, his tongue sweeping at the seam of my lips. I opened and granted him access to my mouth. He was familiar, someone I had kissed countless times. When our tongues touched he moaned and pulled me even closer.

  No, this was wrong. I couldn’t lead him on. I had to stop it. Pulling my lips from his, I laid with my eyes closed for a second. I didn’t want to hurt him. God, I never wanted to hurt him.

  A stray tear slid slowly down my cheek. His warm hand caught it and brushed it away. “Kai, we can’t do this. I’m sorry. You mean so much to me, but I can’t. I’m still in love with Radek, even if my heart is broken in a million pieces.”

  With a soft voice he said, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that.”

  His eyes shut tight, the edges creasing. When he opened them again I could see the unshed tears glistening, waiting to fall. I didn’t know it was possible, but my heart broke even more. He deserved someone who would worship him and be his equal at the same time. Someone who would love him like I loved Radek. I was hurting him and further hurting myself at the same time.

  He took a deep breath and dropped the arm that was around my back. “I’m going to go to bed. We have an early flight in the morning.”

  I grabbed onto him, sniffling as I spoke. “No, please. Stay with me. I don’t want you to leave yet. I’m not ready for you to go. We can’t be more than friends right now, but I’m not ready to say goodbye.”

  He nodded and pulled me close again. This time hugging me tight, his chin resting on the top of my head. I felt like I was losing two of the most important people in my life in the same week. Once Kai walked out of my front door I didn’t think we’d ever be the same.

  When you hurt someone, intentionally or not, the pain lingers. You could feel it non-stop or maybe it would only appear when something reminded you of the one who hurt you. Only time could attempt to heal the pain.

  ~ 7 ~

  Warm sun heated my face, waking me to a new day. Kai and Lee had left the day before and it was hard for me to let them go. I really wanted the guys to stay, but they had to return to being rock stars. Somehow I was able to hold it together up until the last hugs were given. First Lee squeezed me tight, promising to kick anyone’s ass who ever harms me, then it was Kai’s turn.

  We embraced and my tears broke free. I was going to miss him a whole hell of a lot. Maybe in another life we were fated, but in this one he was only my best friend, nothing more. I hated the pain in his eyes when we separated. The worst part was knowing I was the one who put it there. I would never want to lead him on, so there was no other choice. Kai needed to find his soulmate with someone else.

  Lee never asked, while he was at my house at least, what happened between the two of us and I didn’t offer it up. I’m sure Kai would eventually fill him in on the details.

  Trying to fall asleep last night was hard. I was left with Ace and no one else. Visions of all of the awful things that had happened to me since my father’s wedding kept bouncing around my head. I was lost in a sea of 'what if I did this differently,' or 'what if that never happened.' It was of no use though. Every event did happen and I was sure it did for a reason.

  I am a firm believer in fate. No we don’t always know why something occurs in our lives, but we don’t get to see the bigger picture until long after. Fate has plans for us all. Some fight it even though they end up losing. Others give in and decide to let their lives go where they may.

  I was normally the kind of person that was along for the ride. I always knew my life held a greater purpose other than being the child of wealthy father. When I found Aubrey and we built our business I finally felt like I did something with meaning.

  Things were going good for me and I was happy, but then I met Radek. What I thought was happiness before him wasn’t anything in comparison to the way I felt once we were together. When he told me he loved me, I felt like I was on top of the world. I thanked fate for bringing him into my life and putting our paths on a direct hit with one another. Then he broke my heart. I cursed fate for doing that to me. Why did it have to be such a fickle bitch?

  Every single thing that happened in my life lead me to where I currently was. Lying in bed, a German Shepherd at my feet, and a painful ache in my chest that I was unsure if it would ever go away.

  After all of the pictures of me with the guys and Radek with Erin had made their way to every social media site known to man, I stayed off of the internet. The last thing I wanted to see was a picture of Radek with the one woman I hated above all others.

  Even after Kara told me about it I didn’t look. I couldn’t. Seeing the picture wouldn’t do anything but hurt me further and I’d had enough pain to last a lifetime. I didn’t want any more.

  I finally dragged my ass out of bed and decided I ne
eded to escape for a few days. After making some calls, I packed a bag for Ace and one for myself. I loaded everything into the Jeep, including my dog, and headed out.

  My house was full of too many memories I didn’t want to deal with. Every place Radek and I had had sex, where he held me and loved me, where he pushed me to my limits sexually and made me scream out his name in love and passion, and where he gutted me in my driveway.

  Now Kai was part of those bad memories as well. My bed still smelled like him from where he had laid. The bed where I broke his heart. The bed where I turned down a man who deserved far better than me.

  The SUV wound down the driveway only stopping to wait for the gates to open. A handful of paparazzi were outside taking pictures and trying to get me to speak. I ignored them and left without a single word. I didn’t even roll down the windows so Ace could bark. My Jeep was locked up tight.

  My first stop was K&A K-9 to drop off Ace. He was ecstatic when he realized where we were. Once he jumped out of my SUV it took all of my strength to hold onto him. Pushing open the front door, I was met with the familiar barks of twenty or so dogs. Little dogs mostly. The bigger ones must have been outside for play time.

  One of the employees took Ace’s belongings from me, food and all, to store it with the rest of the dogs being boarded. I took my boy out back so he could romp and play.

  Aubrey was standing there throwing balls with a huge smile on her face. She sprinted over to me. “Kasi, so good to see you. How have you been?”

  Either she didn’t know what had happened between Radek and I or chose to avoid discussing it. I was grateful regardless. “Fine, just wanting to get away for a bit and visit a friend.”

  “Have a great time. I’ll make sure Ace is well taken care of.”

  “I know you will. If you need anything or if something comes up just call. I’ll still be nearby.”

  “Okay, sounds good.”

  We hugged briefly before I left. Ace was having a great time so I decided to let him be and slip out when he wasn’t looking.

  Back in my Jeep, I drove to Anna’s house. She was another one of my best friends and someone I didn’t spend nearly enough time with. I had called her to see if she would mind having a house guest for a few days. She yelled and told me to get my ass over to her place as soon as possible.

  Anna didn’t live far from me, but both of our lives were busy, making it difficult to see one another. She had a baby girl that consumed all of her free time and I had to admit I was jealous of the life she had.

  Her husband was her high school sweetheart. They got married after she turned twenty-one and they began building their life together. He loved her with every fiber of his being. Even after being together for so long and having a child he still found ways to show her he cared.

  Pulling up to her stone ranch home, I shut off my Jeep and grabbed my bags. Well, it was really just a small bag and my purse, but you get the picture. I didn’t make it to the front door before it was swung wide open. Anna ran to me, embracing me in a hug that said I was away for too long and to never do that again.

  “I’ve missed you so much,” she said. “Now get your gorgeous ass inside and fill me in on everything. I have plenty of ice cream and chocolate.” Nodding, I followed her into the house.

  Anna was beautiful. She had long auburn hair and a nice curvy figure. Her personality made her even more attractive. She was sassy, but always friendly. People gravitated to her like a magnet. I felt fortunate to have her as my friend.

  We spent the next three days catching up. I told her all about Radek and Kai. I also finally confessed and told her everything about the baby. She was one of the few female friends I had and I knew that she would understand. She said I should have told her back then. I knew I could have confided in her, but it was too hard.

  It felt good staying with her and living in a bubble. I disconnected from all social media and only used my phone for calls or text messages. Everything else was ignored. I was sad to leave her, but she did provide some much needed therapy.

  Ace was beyond excited to see me and almost plowed me over. Poor boy. I felt bad for leaving him, but if I didn’t get away I knew I would only get worse. When I returned home and stepped through the door, it felt cold to me.

  Walking around, I realized that the cold was due to Radek’s absence. He was a force of his own. His personality, his love - fuck me - his body. I felt the weight of him being gone from my life all over again as if it were fresh. Maybe getting away wasn’t such a good idea.

  I was thankful for one thing. No photogs outside of my gate. Holy hell, I was so glad they were gone. If one more would have asked me who I was dating or what my relationship with Kai was, I know I would have snapped. There’s only so much a person can take and in my still wounded state who knew what I would have said.

  I walked to my refrigerator and noticed I really needed to get some groceries. I had to go right away, because if my ass hit the couch I wouldn’t be moving. Grabbing my keys and purse, I was about to walk out the door to the garage when I heard the buzzer on the intercom.

  I checked the screen and my heart stopped. Radek. He was at my gate in his black pick-up with his aviator shades on concealing his eyes.

  With a shaky hand I hit the button to talk to him. “Radek.”

  His voice was missing the firm tone he usually used. “Kasi, can I come up? I want to talk.”

  “I think you’ve said enough. Besides, I was about to leave.” I wanted to give into him in the worst way and let him up, but knew that wouldn’t be good for me. He hurt me and I had to remember that.

  “Please. Let me explain everything. I want to tell you why I left you.”

  I went from feeling torn to pissed off in a matter of seconds. “You want to explain everything? I’m sorry, but you did plenty of talking last time I saw you. Unless what you’re going to say starts with how you had lost your fucking mind, I don’t want to hear it.”

  “Just let me up. All I want to do is talk.”

  “No, you need to leave. I’m going to be driving out in one minute. Your ass better move away from that gate.”

  “I’m not moving and I know you can’t move me with any of your cars. I’m not going to leave until we talk.”

  “Fine. Say hi to the officer when he shows up.” I was bluffing, kind of. I didn’t want to call the police on him, but I didn’t want to face him either.

  “For fuck’s sake, Kasi, open the gate! I’m done playing. Let me up there before I park the truck and scale the fence. You know I will.”

  “You’re done playing?” I laughed a crazy, maniacal laugh. “You were done two weeks ago when you left me over a fucking misunderstanding. I’ll be damned if I’m going to let you up here to stomp on my heart some more. Fuck you, Radek! Now move your truck. I’m done talking.”

  I walked away even though I could still hear him talking. At no point during that little conversation did he say he was sorry. Well, screw him. I’m not going to let him continue to hurt me. Time for me to go into self-preservation mode.

  I decided to drive the Jeep since it was the biggest vehicle I had. Once I got to the bottom of the driveway I didn’t see his truck. Good! Pulling out onto the street I saw a familiar jacked-up truck driving behind me. Of course he would follow me.

  I opened the moon roof and stuck my arm through it, giving him the finger. Even though his windows were tinted I could see from the way the sun reflected off of his sunglasses that he was shaking his head. My reaction shouldn’t surprise him.

  He continued to follow me through town, all the way to the grocery store. Well this should be interesting. Nothing like making a scene in a public place. I parked as far away from the store as possible. I knew we were going to argue and I wanted the least amount of witnesses possible.

  He parked his truck next to mine. I tried to exit my vehicle before him, but he was faster. Radek was at my side in the blink of an eye.

  He was an arm’s length away causing my body
to go rigid at his proximity. Removing his sunglasses, he stared deep into my eyes. I missed him so much it was painful, but I couldn’t let him back in to do more damage.

  Turning in the opposite direction, I took two steps before his hand firmly gripped my elbow. He spun me to face him. Our faces were a breath away. God, how I wanted to kiss him. Wanted to wrap my arms around him and forget everything. My heart was pounding in my chest. Just as I was about to lean in and do what I so badly craved, I remembered the pain.

  Pulling my hand back, I smacked him across the face. His hand went to his cheek as he stood stunned. He never let go of my elbow though.

  Tears welled in my eyes as I spoke. “You hurt me! Don’t you get that? I loved you with all of my heart and you broke me. You! The one man I gave everything I had to. Now let go. I have shopping to do.”

  With that, I wrenched my arm away from him and stomped off toward the store.

  ~ 8 ~

  I was fuming when I entered the grocery store. Luckily, there weren’t many people there. I took my time shopping. With any hope Radek would be gone when I got back to my car.

  Checking my phone before exiting the store, I saw an hour had passed. I kept chanting in my head ‘Please don’t be out there’ over and over. When I got within twenty feet of my car I could see he was still there, leaning up against his truck. Ugh!

  As I approached he pushed away from his truck and walked toward me. “Oh no! Get back into your truck and drive the hell off. Go!”

  “No. I’m going to follow you until you talk to me.”

  “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me! I already said all there was to say.” I opened the back of the Jeep and starting unloading the groceries from my cart. Radek picked up one of the bags to help, but I grabbed it from him. “Don’t touch my stuff,” I hissed.