Where I Am Read online

  I'm pacing in the small width of the alley. Water splashes at my feet every time I step in one of the puddles left over from the summer storm we had earlier. "I tried to get her to go to the hospital, but she insisted she take a shower first. She said she knew the baby was gone. That she'd been suffering severe cramps the whole drive to Arrow Falls, and there was no way the baby could survive after what happened. She felt dirty. She wanted Brant's scent off her but didn't dare stop along the way to shower. Blair said if I let her shower first, I could take her to the hospital after. I couldn’t wrap my head around all that had happened and was happening. Brant hurt her so badly."

  I stop and look Tora in the eyes. She has to see me when I say this, so she knows it's the truth. "When you walked into my bathroom that day, I was helping her into the shower. You didn't see the bruises because they were on her arms and stomach. She had her back to you, her arms cradling her belly. She didn't have any bruises on her face. And I was only in my boxers because I was planning on helping her get clean. She was shaking so bad. She could barely hold herself upright. I already feared she might have broken bones. I didn't want her to fall and hurt herself further."

  No words leave Tora's lips. She's stunned silent. I decide to keep talking. "No one knows about this but those involved, me, and my parents. I mean no one. B said I could tell you so you understood what happened and knew that I never cheated on you. She's a friend, Tora. One of my best friends, but nothing more. We've never done more than hug. I swear."

  Tora turns and takes a few steps away, then comes back toward me. "You're telling me the truth."

  "Yes."

  "Did she...did she lose the baby?"

  "Yes. After you left, she started to bleed in the shower. I helped dry her off, put her in a pair of my shorts and t-shirt, and took her to the emergency room. She lost the baby that night. There was no way it could have survived the trauma they endured. Blair also had broken ribs and a fracture in her left arm. She drove all those hours with one arm. The adrenaline kept her going. None of the pain hit until we were on our way to the ER. That was when I was scared the most. She got quiet. For a moment, I thought I was going to lose her."

  "Parker...I can't...I don't know what to...all this time?" She faces me, and tears start falling down her cheeks. I reach her in two long strides but don't hold her, unsure if she would even want me to. "You weren't lying. You said you didn't cheat and I wouldn't listen. I was so stupid."

  She buries her face in her hands and starts to sob. I don't think twice this time and wrap her in my arms. Her hands reach for my shirt and fist the material. Her vanilla scent floats to me, pulling me back in time to when we were happy and together in love. Back before the nightmare Blair lived through. Before life became hell.

  "Shhh, it's okay," I murmur.

  "No, it's not. It hasn't been okay for four years." She peers up at me; her eye makeup smudged. "And you've never?" I know what she means and can't blame her for asking. A lot of time has passed.

  "No, never. She's one of my best friends, nothing more."

  Her bottom lips trembles. "I'm sorry. Oh God, Parker, I'm so fucking sorry."

  I run my thumb along her cheek to gather her tears. "What happened between us is done. All we can do is move forward. I've never lied to you, Tora. I wasn't unfaithful."

  "You tried to tell me so many times. You wanted to meet to talk."

  "I couldn't tell you this over text and you wouldn’t answer the phone. It was better if you could look into my eyes to know I wasn't lying."

  Her voice shakes. "I believe you."

  I offer her a sad smile. I'm about to tell her more, but my phone vibrates in my pocket. I should ignore it, but it could be Blair, and I promised I'd always be there for her, regardless of where I was or what I was doing.

  One of my arms remains around Tora as I answer the phone. "B? You okay?"

  "Are you busy?" Her voice is light. I was worried for a second.

  "Kind of. What's up?"

  "I'm stuck."

  "Stuck?" I glance down at Tora who is still pressed to me. She doesn't say anything or try and move away.

  "Yeah, in this book I'm writing. I need to talk it through with someone."

  I groan. "Can't you talk to Eve? Isn't that part of her job?"

  "No, it's not, but she does let me bounce ideas off her. She's not answering her phone, though."

  I remove my eyes from Tora and look toward the end of the alleyway. Cy is in Finn's face. Eve is trying to push herself between them. Tora must catch my line of sight and rushes away from me to intervene. I can't let her go alone.

  "Eve's a little occupied at the moment. Let me call you right back." I hang up before she can protest and rush toward everyone.

  Tora is attempting to shove Finn back, but she's having about as much luck as she would if she were pushing a boulder. Eve is tugging on Cy's arm. The men are still face-to-face. I get between them as well, and place a palm on both of their chests. I'm able to move them enough that I can stand between them. Although, Finn is still too close for my liking. What’s worse is Tora is touching him and that ignites a rage that I have to try and tamper down.

  "What the hell is going on?" Tora asks, as she breathes heavily from trying to move Finn.

  Finn looks down at her. It's then he notices her smeared makeup and tear-stained cheeks. His gaze flicks to mine and I clench my fist in anticipation.

  "Oh, no you don't," Tora says, trying to stop something before it happens.

  "He hurt you and now he's going to pay," Finn states angrily. I can't help it. I burst out laughing. That throws Finn off. He must think I've finally lost my mind. "What's so funny?"

  I laugh as I speak. "The fact that you..." Laugh. "Think that you'll be able to..." Laugh. "Make me pay as you put it..." More laughing. "Is hysterical!"

  "You're asking for it." He steps forward and I sober quickly.

  "If you think I'm scared of you, then you have another thing coming."

  "What did you do to her?"

  "I told her the fucking truth. I spoke the words I've been trying to for four years!"

  "You admitted you cheated on her?"

  Oh, this motherfucker. I pull back my fist and aim at his face, but Tora is there with her hand covering mine to keep me from swinging. "Don't," she says quietly, so only I can hear. She's one of two people who can make me stop what I'm doing. The other is Blair. I'd do anything for either of them. One word from Tora's lips and I still. My arm slowly lowers, though my eyes are back on Finn. I'm watching him like a hawk.

  She turns to face Finn and grasps his hand in hers. What the fuck? I don't think, only move. I'm at her back in one long stride, pressing myself against her, towering over her to look at Finn. She comes up to my shoulder, so I have an unobstructed view of the dickhead in front of me.

  "Finn, please get in the car. I'll be there in one minute." He hesitates, then does what she asks.

  Spinning her toward me, I level her with a glare. "What are you doing?"

  She speaks low. "Ten minutes ago, I told him I wanted to date him. I'm not about to tell him on a sidewalk that I've changed my mind. Especially not in front of you, Cy, and Eve."

  "I don't want you going with him."

  "He won't hurt me. You know that." Fuck, I do. Finn may be an asshole, but he treats women with respect. Still, he could try and kiss her. Put his fucking hands on her.

  “He better not touch you,” I growl low.

  “There’s nothing between us. I’ve only ever felt something for you. No matter how hard I tried to forget you.” What the hell does that mean? Was she sleeping her way through college like I was through the city? I shake my head. Not the time for this conversation.

  "Will you call me later, once you're home and away from him?"

  "Absolutely."

  She doesn't kiss me—doesn't hug me. She doesn't do anything but smile before sliding into Finn's Benz, not that I thought she would. As soon as he drives out of sight, I peer over my sho
ulder to find Cy and Eve eyeing me curiously. Well, I guess I have some explaining to do.

  Nine

  Astoria

  My mind whirls with what Parker told me. All these years, I was under the impression he cheated on me when that couldn't have been further from the truth. I'm not angry at him anymore. I'm angry at myself for not listening every time he tried to tell me what really happened. He wanted to do it face-to-face. I would have, too, if it were the other way around.

  How do we go back? How do we capture all we lost? We're not the same people anymore. Four years is a long time. We've matured. Then again, when he held me, it was like time rewound and I was back where I always wanted to be, where I was meant to be—in Parker's arms.

  Finn says nothing as he drives me home. I have to tell him I can't date him. God, I'm going to sound like such a bitch. One minute I say I want to see him again and the next I'm falling into Parker's arms. Yup, I’m a real class act.

  He pulls into my driveway and parks, but doesn't shut the car off. His hand remains on the steering wheel, his eyes straight ahead. The light over the garage is on, bathing us in white light in the dark car. His jaw is clenched, his hand has a death grip on the steering wheel.

  "I'm sorry," I mutter. I'm not sure what to say. He had to have seen Parker and me embrace.

  "Me, too." He's too nice of a guy to say anything else. There’s no point in explaining. I can’t tell him what Parker revealed to me. I also don’t feel like I need to justify myself for my actions. While I did say we could date, we only went out once. I have to say something, though.

  "I didn't mean for this to happen. I always thought Parker cheated on me, but..."

  "But he didn't."

  I shake my head. Tears begin to well in my eyes as Parker's words hit me all over again. The pain Blair went through at the hand of Parker's stepbrother is unfathomable. How can someone beat a pregnant woman in the stomach? A stomach that's filled with the life they created together? It makes me wonder how long he'd been abusing her. Bile rises in my throat at the thought of what she endured from someone who was supposed to love her. Parker did say there was more to the story.

  I sniffle. Finn must take it that I'm upset over us. He releases the steering wheel. I let him believe it. I can't talk at the moment. If I did, I'd sob uncontrollably.

  He brushes his thumb over my cheek then leans back with a sigh. "One day I'll have someone who will only be mine. Not a woman who belongs to another. I think I'm going to be single for a while. My dating record is shit." I nod and offer a sad smile.

  “I really am sorry. I hope you believe that. I didn’t intend for things to happen this way.”

  “I do. You’re a good person, Astoria. Make sure he treats you right.”

  “He always has.” The truth of my words hit me hard, robbing the breath from my lungs. He was amazing to me, and I repaid his love by doubting everything we had.

  Before getting out of the car, I give Finn a peck on the cheek. I don’t say anything else. This night has been one I’ll not soon forget. Everything involving Parker is etched in my memory with vivid clarity, including the time we spent together that summer.

  Luckily, my parents are asleep when I get inside. If my dad were to see my puffy red eyes, he'd ask a hundred questions. My mom would give me a look of distaste but say nothing. She doesn't show emotion. That's reserved for breakdowns in the bathroom where no one will know any better. Except, I always knew. She'd fight with my dad, cry alone, and come out fresh as a daisy with a huge fake smile plastered on her face. God forbid she act human.

  My dad, well, he always told me he loved me and was fiercely protective when I came home with a broken heart, thanks to Parker. I'm going to have to tell them how everything was a misunderstanding. I'm not sure how exactly, since I don't think it's my place to tell them about Blair and what she went through. From the sound of it, I'm not sure Cy and Eve know. No, I can't tell my parents the why, only that I was wrong.

  When I reach my bedroom, I shut the door, strip off my clothes, and throw on a pair of cotton shorts and a tank top. An hour slips by, however, sleep never comes. All I can do is think of what I missed out on. Years I could have spent with Parker. Would we have gotten married after I graduated? Would we be talking about starting a family soon? Then I remember I forgot to call him. Fuck!

  I sit up and grab my phone from the nightstand. It's midnight. If he's asleep, I don't want to wake him. Instead, I shoot off a text to let him know I'm home safe and apologize for not calling earlier. My phone rings seconds later.

  "Fuck, Tora!" are the first words out of his mouth. "I was worried sick that something happened to you. I was just about to dial Bradley and go on the hunt for you. Please tell me he didn't just leave your house."

  I smile. Parker cares. He never stopped. "He left a while ago. I forgot to call you. I'm sorry."

  "Jesus. I didn't want to call you, because, what if..." he trails off.

  "What if what?"

  "What if after what I told you, you still decided Finn was the better option and you didn’t want to see me again?"

  I inhale a deep breath and try not to rush into something with him. We're not the same. Nothing is the same, except maybe the love we have for each other, and even that isn't what it used to be. My heart was broken for years. Not to mention the fact that everything I thought I knew was a lie, the pain I've lived with is very real.

  "Of course, I want to see you. But..."

  "There's always a but."

  "But it's going to take time. We can't jump back into things like four years haven’t gone by. Too much has changed."

  "You're right. I had hoped you still loved me."

  "Parker." I do love him. I never stopped loving him. Even broken, a part of my heart still beats for him.

  "Can we meet tomorrow? For coffee?"

  "I'd like that."

  We settle on a time to meet at the little café in town and hang up. After another hour of my brain running through memory after memory of Parker and me together, I finally drift off to sleep.

  ****

  My hands shake as I pull my hair into a ponytail. It's hot out and my nerves are only making me sweat more. So sexy. This should turn Parker on big time. Do I even want to turn him on? I have to admit the thought of him craving me causes my body to heat. I’m feeling more than I’m ready to admit to right now.

  Why am I nervous? It's not like I haven't seen him since I've returned. Though, this is the first time it will be just us. The first since I've found out the truth. It feels like a first date.

  I settle on an ivory summer dress that's airy and light. It has a halter top and hits just above the knee. After applying a little makeup and lip gloss, I’m ready to go.

  Mom doesn't say anything as I walk through the kitchen. Dad peeks over his paper at me to smile. I always loved the weekends as a kid. It meant my dad was home and we'd spend a lot of time together. He doesn't know who I’m going to meet. A part of me wants to tell him. The other part whispers if I do, I'm never going to meet Parker on time. Hopefully, tonight I can talk to my parents. I'm dreading the conversation, but I need them to know Parker did nothing wrong and they can stop hating him. Maybe I'll ask Parker if I can reveal a little about what happened so they'll understand. I'm afraid if I say nothing, they'll think I'm just a lovesick girl all over again, wanting to believe an old flame.

  The drive is short, and before I know it, I'm standing outside the café waiting for Parker. My stomach flutters with butterflies, yet I don't see him anywhere. Then I feel hands on my hips and breathe in everything Parker. Spinning, I place my hands on his chest and know my smile mimics his. God, I want to kiss him.

  Using all of my willpower, I step back and watch as his face falls a fraction. He recovers quickly, acting like nothing changed and places his hand on the small of my back as we walk into the café.

  Since it's the weekend, it's bustling inside. The line is almost to the door. All of the inside tables are taken, except on
e. I quickly leave Parker to order for us and claim the lone open spot.

  As soon as he sits down with our coffees and Danishes, Kenzie strolls over to our table. I hold my breath, waiting to see what she'll say.

  She slowly walks behind Parker then back. "Well, well, Maxfield. I see you've wormed your way back into Tori's life. Must have done some serious groveling to make that happen."

  He flashes her his megawatt smile. "No groveling needed. Just the truth." His eyes find mine. My heart constricts at the pain which comes flooding back. He sees it clear as day on my face. His smile falls and he's standing, coming to my side of the table.

  He drops to a crouch beside me. His voice is low so only I hear him. "I'm sorry, Tora. I wish I could take it away. All I can do now is make sure you’re happy every day going forward." I gently reach up and stroke the stubble on his chin. I'm not the only one who's hurting.

  Kenzie groans. "Hello, eighteen-year-old Tori." We both glance up at her. "Listen, I don't know what happened, and I'm not sure I even want to. All that matters is Tori is happy, and you will never break her heart again. Because if you do, I'm going to break something on you. I might look delicate, but years of tae kwon do have done wonders for me."

  Parker chuckles. "You have my word. I will do whatever it takes never to hurt Tora again."

  "Awww, you're still calling her Tora. Fuck, it really is that summer all over again. Okay, I'll leave you two in peace. Just remember my warning, Maxfield. Your balls will be mine."

  "Will do, Kenz."

  Parker returns to his seat and we each take a sip of coffee. I'm too nervous to eat. Parker looks sexy as hell. It's not until now that I take him all in. His blond hair is combed back, slight scruff on his face, and mesmerizing green eyes, which only focus on me. And that's just the beginning. He's wearing a pair of blue and white plaid shorts with a matching blue polo. The sleeves pull tight over his muscular arms as he leans forward on the table.

  I've not only missed him, but those strong arms wrapped around me. I remember with clarity what it used to be like when he'd strip me bare and his fingers, mouth, and cock used to make me come over and over again. I squirm in my chair at the thought. It's not the time. I said I wanted to take it slow and need to stick to that. Sure, I can easily jump back into bed with him, but we have a lot of catching up to do.