Where I End Read online

  He shuts off the car and comes to my side to help me out and walk me to my door. I smile over at him as we take the stairs to my apartment. I'm busy watching the steps, so I don't trip as we climb them, when Finn says a name, which causes me to release his hand as I stumble up the last step. "Cy Revere."

  I trip forward, my hands almost meeting the landing before strong arms grip me and the scent of peppermint and pine trees engulfs me. I don't have time to formulate a thought before I'm brought up to my feet by Cy.

  I blink a few times, taking in his disheveled appearance. His hair is sticking up on end; a thick scruff coats his cheeks and jaw. "What are you doing here?" I whisper. He’s warm. His arms are wrapped around my back, holding me up. Without them, I'd collapse to the ground at the shock of seeing him. He made it very clear the last time he was here he didn't want to see or talk to me again.

  "I...I wanted to..." He looks over my shoulder. It's then, in the lights lining the stairwell and outside my door, that I notice his bloodshot eyes. Concern for him has me lightly touching his jaw, bringing his gaze back to me. "I shouldn't have come," he states quietly. He tries to move from me, but my nails dig into his arms, not wanting him to go.

  Finn clears his throat behind me, reminding me of his presence and how I'm on a date with him. A man who I was kissing not long ago, and holding hands with only seconds before I stumbled. "Eve?"

  I turn my head but don't release Cy. "I'm sorry. Just give me a minute." I reach into my purse with one hand and withdraw my keys. My other hand stays on Cy, afraid he'll flee if I let go.

  I quickly unlock the door and bring him inside with me. "Stay here. I'll be right back," I tell him. He doesn't respond but stays put as I back out the door and close him inside.

  Turning around, I find Finn propped against the railing, his arms crossed. "I'm sorry," I say as I walk toward him. "I didn't know he'd be here."

  "Why is he here, Eve? I heard you two don't talk." Who told him that? Does he still talk to Parker, or are people just so bored in Arrow Falls that they make everyone else's business their own?

  "I haven't talked to him in a while. Honest. I'm not sure why he's here, but I have to speak to him."

  He uncrosses his arms and takes my hand in his. "I like you, Eve. I want to see you again, but I can't and won't compete with someone else."

  "There is no competition. Cy doesn't like me that way, or really in any way, for that matter."

  He cocks his head to the side. "I saw the way he looked at you. That's not a look that said you were only friends."

  "He's been through a lot. I can't talk about it, but he needs me right now."

  "Who do you need?" I bite my lower lip and don't respond. I don't need anyone, but I want Cy. All it took was for him to touch me to know I missed him and still care for him, but in what sense? As a friend? More? "Your silence tells me all I need to know."

  I shake my head. "No, you have it wrong." I'm saying it more to convince myself than him.

  Finn leans down and brushes his lips over mine. "I want to take you out again but won’t get between you and Cy.”

  "Finn…"

  "Goodnight, Eve." He squeezes my hand then turns to go down the stairs.

  Everything in me is at war. My head knows nothing good will come from Cy being in my apartment, but my heart is being pulled toward him, wanting to ease any worry he has; wanting to be there for him, regardless of everything that happened between us.

  Opening the door of my apartment, I find Cy exactly where I left him. He doesn't appear as distraught as he did when he first caught me. His eyes are assessing me, looking me over from head to toe.

  "Are you okay?" I ask.

  "Were you on a date?"

  I lift my chin. "I was, not that it's any of your business."

  "I need to go." He tries to step around me, but I'm blocking the door.

  I place my hand on his chest; he stops immediately, only a breath away from me. "You're not leaving. Not this time. You came to me. I want to know why."

  He bends his head down and crushes his lips to mine in a punishing kiss. I immediately part my lips, my tongue greedy for his. His arms reach around my back to pull me as close as possible to him. I do the same with my arms around his neck, trying to feel every inch of him against myself. I want more. I want all of him.

  He grips my thighs to lift me up, and my legs wrap around his waist. Each heel drops from my feet as he walks us to the bedroom. My center is right over his hard length.

  With his hands on my back, he lowers me to the bed, then kisses a path from my lips down my neck to my collarbone and begins unbuttoning my dress, then undoes the belt. His lips find the top of my breast as he pulls the cup of my bra down to expose my nipple. Jolts of pleasure rocket through my body as he nips and sucks on me.

  I'm writhing against him, wishing he would strip me bare and sate the need coursing through me. His lips glide down my stomach to the apex of my thighs. He lifts his head to look me over, his eyes moving from my thighs to my face, then he stops. He stands suddenly and rakes a hand through his hair. "We have to stop."

  I kneel on the bed and grip his t-shirt in my hand. "No, we need to continue."

  Ten

  Cy

  "I can't. Not with you. You're different. Nothing like the others," I tell her. Her hair is a little wild, her eyes hooded with lust. I could have her right now, but I won't do that to her. I won’t use her like I did all those other women. God, she's perfect, too. Better than I could have imagined. And her taste…fuck me. I nearly came the moment her tongue swept into my mouth.

  "I want you," she says. Her breath coming in pants.

  "I need you so fucking bad it hurts, but we can't." My hand reaches up to brush her hair back from her face, reveling in the softness of her skin. "For years I've used women as a way to escape the abuse, as a buffer between Everett and me. But since I've left home, I haven't been with anyone. I don't want that life anymore. None of it. Not just Everett," I growl his name. "There were so many things that went bad. So much I wish I could take back. All I did to you in high school, all the women I used, and my friends, too. God, I was such a dick to most of them. I have no clue why they stuck around. The majority of them got treated as badly as the women I took to bed every night the last six years."

  Her features soften; her hand stills mine, which is lightly trailing along her neck. "Yes, you did things you regret, but everyone has done things in life they wish they could take back. You also should remember, all those women, those friends of yours, you didn’t force them to be there with you. They did that of their own accord. You need to let that guilt go. They were all free to come and go as they pleased, but they chose to stay by your side. You're like a magnet, Cy. People can't help but be drawn to you."

  “People or you?” I had to ask. I need to know.

  “Both.”

  I close my eyes and take her hand in mine, bringing it to my lips to kiss the back of it. "The biggest mistake I made was how I treated you. You did nothing to warrant my torment. I bullied you for so long. Every day, Evie. Every day I searched you out and was awful to you. How can you even look at me after all I did? I was horrible."

  She leans forward, pulling her hand from mine and wraps her arms around me. Her cheek is resting on my shoulder, her lips press lightly against my neck. "I'm going to be honest with you, because you’re doing the same with me." I swallow thickly, bracing for what she's about to say. "I don't think I'll ever be able to forget what happened in high school. It was painful for me. However, knowing what I do now, I would endure that again daily if it helped you get through your pain. That morning at your house," her voice catches. "I was so afraid. I thought you were going to take your life right before my eyes. When you didn't, I knew then and there I would do whatever it took to help you and not because I felt pity for you. No, it was because I saw you differently than I ever had before. You were no longer the boy in the hall who teased me. You were a man whose entire world was crashing down,
and you couldn't take it anymore. More than that, I saw how strong you were for enduring years of his abuse. I saw someone who could have easily turned the gun on the person who attacked him, but instead of hurting anyone else, turned it on himself."

  "Evie, please."

  I can barely hold back the tears welling in my eyes. She’s saying things about me, which aren't true. I'm not strong. I'm fucking weak and a coward. A strong person doesn't take their shit out on other people. They handle it. I should have gone to the police, but I was afraid of what my friends would think of me once the news broke of one of the wealthiest families having a problem with sexual abuse. People who knew me and followed me around in high school. What would they have thought if they knew I was being abused? I was worried about things I shouldn't have been.

  "Your mother should have protected you, Cy. She should have been the one, above all others, who always believed you and she failed." She lifts her head to look me in the eyes. The brilliant blue of hers holding in their depths so much kindness and resolve. "You can push me away every day for the rest of our lives, but I will always be here for you. We don't have to be anything more than friends."

  "I'm toxic, Evie. You don't need to be mixed up in my bullshit. Everything that's happened since you found out, has hurt you. I can't be responsible for that."

  "You're wrong. You opened my eyes to what was going on. I quit working for a woman who put her husband above her blood. I found a new job, a better one. I'm doing okay. The only thing missing from my life is you." She drops her gaze. "I don't have many friends. In fact, I only really have Parker and you. You shutting me out hurts."

  "You have Finn." I'm not saying it to be a dick. I'm mentioning his name because she doesn't need to be with me. She has a great guy who wants to spend time with her. One who isn't fucked up in the head and has nightmares all the time. One who doesn't get triggered into an old, awful memory due to a sound or smell. He could give her everything I can’t.

  "Tonight was the first time I went out with him. I don't know him very well, but he's a nice guy."

  "You deserve that."

  "I deserve to make my own choices. Not you. Not Finn. No one else. Only me."

  "I'm fucked in the head. You don't know a fraction of what I go through on a daily basis."

  "Then tell me."

  "It's not that easy."

  "Why did you come here tonight?" she asks, redirecting the conversation.

  I step away from her. I need to be honest and tell her the reason she found me outside her apartment in the middle of the night. I can't do that while she's touching me, though.

  "I was on the computer earlier. I haven't been with anyone in a while, so I was watching porn." I stop to see if she's upset about what I was doing, unsure how she feels about it. Her expression is the same as it was—worried. "I found a video of a man being rough with a woman. Like so fucking rough I thought he was going to choke her, but she liked it. She could breathe, and he was fucking her hard. I liked it. It turned me on."

  "There's nothing wrong with that. You were watching something consensual between two people. Some get turned on by rough sex."

  "His other hand was gripping her hip hard, then he flipped her onto her stomach and made her get on her hands and knees. He wrapped her hair around his hand and pulled her head back while he fucked her from behind."

  She shrugs. "Some people like a little bit of pain with their pleasure." She keeps dismissing everything I say, like it’s normal. Maybe she won't once I tell her the next part.

  "I...I started gripping myself hard, loving the feeling of that pain, too. But that's not the bad part, Evie. It's what he did to me. For years, he would come into my room and push me around." I lift my right arm and point to a scar on my elbow. "This is from the time he shoved me into my dresser. The top drawer was open and the corner sliced my arm when I was pushed into it. Blood ran down my arm as he stripped my clothes and had his way with me. He was never gentle. It was fast and hard. Always painful, always making tears run down my face from the initial shock. And that only pushed him harder. He liked to see me hurting. He got off on it." I choke back a sob before it has a chance to escape. "Don't you see? He was so fucking rough with me and now, that same shit is turning me on."

  A single tear glides down her cheek. She stands, her dress hanging askew, thanks to me trying to take it off her. She wipes the tear from her face. "There is a difference between what happened to you and what happened in the video. You were a child being abused at the hands of an adult. You were forced into having sex with him. The adults in the video you watched wanted sex that way."

  "He gripped my throat once. He didn't let up until I passed out. I woke up and…God, Evie, why did this happen to me? What did I do to make him want to hurt me? Why couldn't he love me like other kids’ parents?" This time I don't hold back the tears. I bury my face in my hands to hide the shame I feel. I've never said these words to anyone, not even my mother all those times I went to her.

  Evie pulls me over to the bed and I let her. I sit down and she does the same beside me. "I don't want this pain anymore," I whisper. "I want it to stop."

  "Me, too," she says as her arms wrap around me. I bury my face in her shoulder, her hair coming around us like a curtain while I release every fear, every ounce of pain, in gut-wrenching sobs. Never have I cried like this in front of anyone. Not my mom when I was begging her to believe me. Not Everett when he was hurting me. Yes, I cried in front of them but not like this. I can’t hold the pain in any longer.

  Evie doesn't speak again, only holds me tight, letting me know she's here, and nothing I say will scare her away. When I'm finally able to calm myself, I lift my head and avert my eyes from her. What kind of man cries on the shoulder of a woman he treated terribly? I just keep making things worse between us. She should be happy. She should be with Finn.

  Looking straight ahead at the dresser across from the foot of her bed, I say, "You need to be with Finn. I don't know if I'll ever be okay. This might be all I ever am, and I can't drag you down into this black hole with me every day."

  She stands and then surprises me by taking my face in her hands. Her legs straddle my lap as she sits on my thighs. "I want you to look in my eyes and listen to me. You, Cy Revere, might not think you deserve anything but misery and pain, but I'm going to show you just how much someone can care for you. I’ll be here for you. I'm not going anywhere. Not now, not ever. I don't feel for Finn the way I feel for you. Would it be easy with him? Yes. Could I grow to care for him? Sure." I try to turn my head, but she doesn't let me. "The difference is, he's not you. I want you. I have from the moment you laid in my bed beside me. Whether I have you as a friend, or more, I'm here. I will go at whatever pace you want. If you want never to kiss me again, fine. If you want to take me right now and fuck me hard, I'm on board with that, too. No matter what you throw at me, I'm not going to leave. I will fight for you. I will stand beside you and show the world you are not alone. I will do whatever it takes to protect you."

  "I'm not worth it, Evie."

  "That's where you're wrong. You are and so much more. Now, lay back. We both need some sleep. You can hold me all night if you want, or I can sleep on the couch, but I'll be here. I’m not leaving."

  "No. I want you in bed with me." I don't think about the nightmares that plague me, or the times I've awakened in a cold sweat, thinking I'm back in my bedroom with Everett's hands on me. For this one night, I want to be with Evie, even if that means only sharing a bed with her. I want to take the comfort she offers, although, I don't deserve any of it.

  Eleven

  Eve

  So much has changed since I found Cy outside my door and in such a short period. He came to me on his own. He opened up to me. The things he said, no one should have to go through that. He doesn’t want to drag me down and doesn’t think he’s worth it. I’m going to prove to him that he is. That I want to be with him, regardless of what happened in the past or the difficulties the future will h
old.

  For now, he sleeps beside me, his hand holding mine. Me, on the other hand, I can't seem to fall asleep. I just lie here and watch him as the minutes tick by. The longer I do, the more my eyes adjust to the darkness. Earlier, he was going to use me like he did all those other women, and I was going to let him, because if that's what he needed to feel better, then I'd do what I could to help. There was also the selfish part of me that wanted to be taken by him. To be claimed and know what it felt like to have him inside of me. He stopped, though.

  I roll to my back, my hand still in his and think back to my date with Finn. He is an amazing guy, but he's not my guy. He could be. However, the way he kissed me is nothing compared to how it felt to have Cy's lips on mine. The two aren't even in the same universe. Finn's kiss was sweet and a little heated. Cy's was possessive and demanding. He wanted me badly, and I wanted him just as much. It was all I could do to refrain from dragging him onto the bed and ridding him of his clothes, so he could sink into me. I had to move at his pace and let him lead. The last thing I wanted was for him to do something he regretted and run from me again.

  My eyes begin to close as Cy stays on my mind, and sleep finally takes me.

  ****

  "No. No, stop. Please, don't." Cy's words drift to me in sleep, and it takes me a moment to realize I'm not dreaming. I blink a few times. Cy is beside me thrashing in the bed. I'm not sure if I should try to comfort him or leave him be. If he lashed out at me, not realizing I'm not the one hurting him, I wouldn't be able to fight him off. He's so much bigger than me.

  Hesitantly, I reach over to his arm. "Cy, wake up. It's only a dream."

  "Evie? What are you doing here? I don't want you to see me like this," he cries. The morning light filters in through the sheer curtains. His body starts shaking. His eyes are still squeezed shut. He must think I'm in his dream.

  I move my hand to his face. His skin is slicked with sweat. "You're dreaming. It's not real. Please wake up."