Where I Am Read online

  It wasn't love or even lust with her. She's my best friend's girl and I never fuck with what's his. Cy and I have mutual respect for each other and have all the years we've been friends. Sure, Eve is hot, but she's off-limits. I knew long before Cy did that he had feelings for her. Those two are everything that's good in my life. Well, them, Blair, and my parents. Brant is everything that caused my life and Blair's to go up in flames. Hate is a strong word. It also doesn't begin to convey how I feel about him. I wish him dead. Gone. Off of this planet. Blair won't be able to relax until he is. I keep hoping someone will off him while he's in prison. Too bad it hasn't happened yet.

  I shut my SUV off and help Blair bring everything inside, then take a seat on her couch. She strolls in and places her hand on her hip. "Hanging out here isn't going to get you anywhere." She's in a better mood now. I'll take her harassing me any day if it means she's happy.

  "I have nowhere to be."

  "My house isn't your hideout, Parker. You're going to run into her again. I bet she's here for the summer, unless she's found a job already."

  I scrub my hand over my face. "I never got over her."

  "I know." She takes a seat beside me. "Cy and Eve might not see it, but I know you better than most. You have to talk to her. You have to tell her what really happened."

  "She'll never listen to me."

  "You haven't seen her in four years. Phone calls, texts, they don't hold the same power as seeing someone in person does. She can't look you in the eyes and see how much you love her through a text message. She won't notice how you wear your heart on your sleeve where she's concerned. How every time you think about her, you break a little more. There's not much of the old Parker left in there," she says, as she pokes my shoulder with her finger. "The Parker who loved with his whole heart and didn't care who saw it. You've built up walls that very few can break down. Eve did, but she isn't on the same level Tori is. No one is, or has ever been."

  "When did you become so smart?"

  "You're my best friend, Parker. It's time to tear down a small part of that wall. Maybe just put in a window that opens. Let her see you again—the real you. Not the one who's out every night, fucking half the city."

  "Damn, B. You make me sound like a whore."

  "Nope, just someone who lost the love of his life and spent the last four years trying to find that kind of love again."

  "I wasn't..."

  "I know you, remember? Sure, for a while it was all about forgetting her, but after that, you were in search of what you once had. Maybe you didn't realize you were doing it. You're not going to find it in a bar, Parker. That kind of love only comes along once, maybe twice if you’re lucky, and now’s your chance to get it back. She's here. In the same town as you. Make your move or you'll always regret it."

  I lean back on the couch and throw my arm over my eyes. "I'm fucked. Royally fucked."

  "I'll be here if anything happens. After all you've done for me, I want to be there for you."

  I lift my arm and peer over at her. She's been through so much, yet she's still compassionate and loving. "Love ya, B."

  She smiles. "Ditto."

  It takes me a solid hour before I can drag myself off of Blair's couch. I pass Tora's house on my way home, but she isn't outside. I'm not sure what I would do if she were. Pull into her driveway and make her listen to me? There's no way she's going to hear me out. When she saw me with Blair, it was like I was breaking her heart all over again. The pain was evident on her face.

  When I get back to my cabin, I grab the remote and try to find something to watch on television. I should probably do some work, but my mind isn't in the right place. I wouldn't be able to concentrate if I tried.

  The door to the cabin opens and Cy strolls in with Eve behind him. He stops in front of the couch. His black hair hangs onto his forehead as he stares me down. Then he kicks my foot. I don't acknowledge him, outside of meeting his eyes. "What the fuck happened to you? You look like you've seen a ghost."

  "I have." He quirks an eyebrow. "Tora's back in town."

  His eyes widen. "Fuucckk."

  "You're telling me."

  Eve takes a seat next to me. "Who's Tora?"

  "Astoria Livingston, also known as Parker's first love," Cy replies.

  "You had a first love?" she asks.

  "Don't act so shocked. My heart isn't all black." I comb my fingers through my hair.

  "I never said it was. In fact, if anyone ever said something like that to me, I'd tell them it's the furthest thing from the truth. The Parker I know is kind and caring. He loves his friends and will do whatever it takes to make them happy."

  "I don't deserve you, Eve."

  She pats my leg. "Yes, you do. And you deserve to find a woman who will love you as much as you love her. You've never told me about Astoria. Was it an unrequited crush?"

  "That's the problem. She loved me as much as I loved her, and I broke her heart." I lean forward and put my head in my hands to stare at the hardwood floor beneath my feet.

  "You want to tell me what happened?" I shake my head.

  "He'll never tell, Evie. I've been trying to get him to talk for years. It had something to do with Brenda, though." I lift my head and give him a death glare. That's all Cy knows. She was involved, me, and Tora.

  Eve's eyes go wide. "Did you fuck Brenda? I always thought you two had this great chemistry but have never seen you both in any way but friendly."

  "What? No! I've never slept with her." I stand and pace in front of the floor-to-ceiling windows in my living room. "What happened isn't my story to tell."

  "The fuck it isn't," Cy interjects. "If it involves you then it's your story."

  "It's not that simple."

  "One day you're going to open up to me," Cy states. "When you're ready, you know I'll be here. I won't judge you, Parker. You're my best fucking friend, and you know some of the darkest parts of my life." He's right. I do. I know more than anyone, except Eve and a few others.

  Cy has come a long way and was only able to do it with Eve by his side. He'll say I helped as well, however, my part was small in comparison to hers. They are perfect together and I don't use that word lightly. They might have had a rough start, but now they are rock-solid as a couple.

  There are some nights when the three of us are watching television and I can't help but be jealous of what they have. Their love is something you only see in movies. The unwavering, would scorch the earth if someone threatened one of them, kind of love. It's rare and they never take it for granted.

  Maybe one day I'll find it. I thought I had it with Tora, but if I did, wouldn't she have listened to what I had to say? No matter what gets thrown at Cy, or how many times he tells Eve he's broken and undeserving of her, she never leaves his side. She fights his battles with him. She sits and listens to everything he has to say or even stays quiet when she knows he doesn't feel like talking. They work out their problems like adults and they have them, believe me. They argue, they have misunderstandings, but they never go to bed angry. Tomorrow isn't promised, and no one knows that better than Cy and Eve. Maybe that was the problem. Tora was young when we were together. Instead of listening or talking, she ran.

  Four

  Astoria

  I should leave the house. I need to leave the house. It's been two days and I haven't stepped foot out the door since I got back home. Seeing Parker in town with Blair, it was too much. My feelings for him came back strong, as did the crushing pain of being cheated on. With the good came the bad. With the butterflies came agony. And those butterflies were definitely present. It was as if not a day had passed in that sense. My body still reacted to his.

  I need to get the hell out of this house. It's not healthy to sit here and wallow. There is no chance I’ll become a prisoner here because Parker is out there. But first, I need to look better than I currently do. I still have my pajamas on.

  I grab a pair of tan shorts that fall to mid-thigh, a white sleeveless top, and sweep m
y auburn hair up into a high ponytail. It's warm today and having long, thick hair isn't in my favor, especially with the humidity. Once my hair is halfway decent, I apply a little makeup, and I'm good to go.

  My dad's at work, but I pop into the kitchen quick to let my mom know I'm running out and ask her if she needs anything. Of course, she doesn't. My mom always has it all together. Never a hair out of place or a wrinkle in her clothes. Same goes for the house. She made sure to buy everything we needed when she did her weekly grocery shopping. Dad has told her to hire someone to do it for her, and run her other errands, but she insists she's the one to take care of everything. I guess it's part of her running the house and maintaining control. In her mind, no one can do it like she can.

  I step into the garage and look over my graduation present. It's a brand-new Audi Q7 SUV in ink blue. I love it and it will be perfect in the snow. Any other time, I would have driven all over the place just to get a feel for it, but seeing Parker kind of ruined it for me. I didn't want to leave, but I'm done letting him rule what I do. He's not the only one who lives in this town. I'll be damned if I'm going to hole up in the house when I could be outside having fun.

  I drive down the road into town, stopping at a small café first. If I remember correctly, they have amazing coffee. Baby steps and all that. The café now, the rest of the town later.

  I park in the lot and don't notice any luxury SUVs or cars. Yes, I look for those. Knowing Parker, he's driving something expensive and all I'm seeing is everything but. The scent of coffee beans floats to me the moment I step inside. I wait in line until I reach the barista taking orders. With my hands on the polished countertop, I place my order and step off to the side while they make it. Looking around, my eyes bounce from one person to the next—always scanning, always waiting for him to appear. There are a few people in line. An older woman stands next to me, waiting for her coffee as well. And there are two couples sitting at tables.

  The door opens and a woman with long, light brown hair walks in. The sun bouncing off her sunglasses as she moves them to the top of her head catches my attention. She smiles, talking over her shoulder to the guy behind her. He steps to the side and my body tenses. It's Parker. My eyes rove over every inch of him, from his beige boat shoes to his grey and white plaid shorts and his white polo shirt. When he moves his arm, the fabric of the sleeve pulls taut against his muscular bicep. My God, he’s gotten hotter. And more muscular. And more defined. I didn’t notice his body when I saw him on the sidewalk. It was fleeting, and my eyes stayed on his.

  His lips curve up as he leans forward and talks to the woman in front of him. Then he pauses. No words leave those lips I know all too well. I still remember what they felt like brushing against my skin and claiming me. Heat radiates over my face as a blush creeps its way to my cheeks. When I make my way to his eyes, I find them on me. He's not speaking, not moving at all.

  The woman he's with waves a hand in front of his face. It's quiet for the moment and I can hear what she's saying, "Earth to Parker. What the hell are you looking at?" She turns my way and a warm smile brightens her face. "Ah, a lovely woman."

  I turn away from them and focus on the counter, tapping my fingers on it as I wait for my coffee. Butterflies start to wildly dance in my stomach a second before Parker steps up beside me. Stupid butterflies. Don't they know how much he hurt me? They don't care. They're only interested in the way he used to make me feel when his hands would roam my body.

  "Tora, it's nice to see you again," he greets with a rough voice.

  I turn to him. Anger slowly builds in me as I recall all the times he said that nickname. When we first met, in bed when we each reached our climax, when we were joking around, laughing, and having fun. Also, when I was running out of his apartment as my heart shattered.

  "I wish I could say the same," I reply in a clipped tone.

  "I want to talk to you. There's a lot I need to explain."

  I scoff. "That's not going to happen."

  "Please. Just give me a chance. You don't understand."

  I open my mouth to rebuke what he said when the brunette he's with inserts herself between us. She puts her back to Parker and holds out her hand to me. "Hi. We haven't met yet. I'm Eve Revere." So, she's not one of Parker's many women, as I initially thought. She's Cy's wife. That explains her easygoing relationship with Parker.

  I take her hand in mine and shake it. It's only polite, and I was raised to always hold my head high and never cause a scene in public. "Astoria Livingston."

  Her eyes narrow and she turns around to glance at Parker then back at me. Well, that answers that question. He told her about me. This should be interesting. "The same Astoria who hurt my best friend?" she asks, as she points her thumb over her shoulder at Parker.

  "Excuse me?"

  "Listen, I don't know the whole story. Parker won't tell me everything, but he loved you and you left. Do you know what that did to him?"

  The barista steps up with my coffee. I take the cup, slamming it down on the counter, not caring if it spills, and focus on Eve. "What I did to him? Maybe you should get your story straight before you get in my face and start spewing shit that isn't true!" Her body stiffens and her lips part. Oh, she's got more to say, but I'm not going to let her get a word in yet. I'm not done. I point to Parker over her shoulder. "He cheated me. He broke my heart. I didn't do shit to him. Now if you'll move your ass, I have someplace to be."

  She turns to Parker. "You cheated on her?" I take a step to my right but don't leave yet. I want to hear what he has to say.

  "Hell, no."

  I laugh loudly, drawing every eye in the place then steel my features. "You're so full of shit."

  "Okay, you two. Maybe we should take this outside," Eve suggests, when she notices everyone watching us.

  I take my coffee from the counter and storm past her. Fuck this. I'm not standing here and fighting in the middle of a café. She might think I'm going outside to talk, but I'm leaving. I can't believe he denied cheating on me. I saw him with a naked woman!

  Halfway through the parking lot, a hand grips my wrist from behind, causing me to stop in my tracks. Chills race up my arm as Parker moves to stand before me, his green eyes holding mine. "I didn't cheat on you, Tora."

  "Stop calling me that! My name is Astoria or Tori!"

  "You've always been Tora to me. Always beautiful, always..." He trails off, not finishing his sentence.

  My anger and hurt cause hot tears to form. The last thing I wanted to do if I ever saw him again was cry, yet here I am. I focus on him and how he said he didn't cheat on me. "I know what I saw. You and Blair in your bathroom," I choke out. A sob escapes as if this only happened a moment ago, not four years in the past. "Do you have any idea what that did to me? How you made me feel? My heart broke into a million pieces that day. I loved you. I wanted to marry you someday, and you ruined it. You ruined me!"

  He takes a step closer, never letting go of my wrist, and rubs his thumb over the inside of it. "You were the one, Tora. The woman I thought I was going to spend my life with." I don't miss his use of the word were.

  I shake my wrist from his grip. "You had a fucked up way of showing it."

  "You never let me explain."

  "No explanation was needed. I saw what I saw. You cheated on me. End of story."

  "I didn't. I swear."

  "Your word means nothing to me. Absolutely nothing." We both turn as Eve walks toward us with two cups of coffee in a carrier in her hands.

  "I can't talk about this here," he says.

  "That's fine because we aren't talking about this at all. I won't let you in a second time, Parker. I'll be damned if you're going to break my heart all over again." I turn away and step closer to my SUV.

  "I never meant to hurt you." There's so much emotion in his voice. He's hurting, too.

  I spin. "If you didn't mean to hurt me, then why did you?" Tears cascade down my cheeks, and I furiously wipe them away with the back of my hand. Even
now, looking at his face, I still feel something for him amid all the hurt. Good or bad, he still resides in my heart. "I gave you all of me. Everything I had, and you tossed me aside as if I was worthless."

  "You're not worthless. You were my entire world, Tora."

  "You can't say those things to me. Not after what you did."

  "I didn't do anything wrong!" he yells. "I don't know what it's going to take for that to sink in."

  "How dare you yell at me as if I was the one who fucked up! As if I didn't walk in on you. Screw you, Parker."

  "All right, let's all take a breath," Eve says from beside him. I level her with a hard glare.

  "I still love you," Parker says softly.

  I shake my head. "No, no you don't. If you did, then none of this would have happened in the first place. You don’t hurt someone you love like that."

  "For God's sake, Tora, just listen to me."

  "I have been, and all I've heard is how I'm wrong and how you still love me. All of this is majorly fucking with my head and heart. Can't you see what you do to me?” I cry harder, barely able to breathe. “Can't you see how your words slice through me? I can't do this, Parker. Not now. Not ever."

  I turn my back to him and climb into my SUV. With the coffee nestled in the cup holder, I drop my head to the steering wheel and allow myself a moment to let the tears flow. Not long. Just enough so I can gather myself to drive. When I lift my head, Eve is tugging Parker away from me and toward a grey Range Rover. He fists his hair and pulls. Eve reaches into his pocket and takes out a set of keys. I avert my eyes and start my Audi. With it in drive, I speed out the parking lot without looking back.

  There's no way I'm going home with tears streaming down my face. My mom will ask what happened, and I don't feel like explaining anything to her. They hate him, and rightfully so, but I don't want to talk about it. Instead, I head toward the falls our town is famous for. There's a small dirt road where I can pull off and be alone. I don't want to see anyone and only locals know about the spot. Hopefully, they all have something better to do today and won't be there. If they are, I'll just walk further down until no one is near me.